holiday blues

I'm feeling tired and sad tonight. I went to Chicky's dragon boat team dinner thing. Unfortunately I chose the wrong route to Richmond from North Van. I went over the Lion's Gate bridge and through the downtown core. Factoring in the rain, Canucks game and holiday shopping - it took me 2 hours to get to his workplace. During my drive I developed road rage. This lead to more a foul mood. I had plenty of time to think about how many times I've shown my support for Chicky over the years and how many times he's supported me. I'm not suppose to keep tab but it's not an even mix. That train of thought just lead down a dark road of where and what Chicky and I have been through the last 4 or 5 years. By the time I reached his office I was not feeling social. The dinner lasted 1/2 hour. I wasn't going to drive home right away as it took me so long to get there so I told Chicky that I wanted to go to the mall. He didn't want to go - that annoyed me. He had picked up on my foul mood so he eventually agreed. So I dragged him to Daiso - I wanted to get some wrapping paper. Didn't see anything at Daiso so we went home. Took me an hour to drive home. I told him that he has to help me bake for Josie's cookie-exchange party on Saturday. I'm not going to let him off so easy.

I think most of my foul mood stems from my family. We've been having wars at home. Same old issues between my parents for the last 20 years. They can never resolve it and end up ignoring it. Now it's reached a point where KA and I can't take it anymore (Carol is lucky - she's lived on her own for nearly 8 years now and doesn't have to deal with this crap). The family is all broken up but we live behind a visage of happiness. It gets really tiring trying to pretend that everything is ok. Our house is like a hotel. Everyone has their separate rooms. No one really talks to each other. KA and I are eating less and less at home, in feeble attempts to escape having to deal with the issues. We feel sorry for our mom and have reached the conclusion that we will do what it takes to make her happy. If that means screwing over my dad then be it. My dad seems to screw up every Christmas for us anyhow. Sometimes I fear that I will have the same type of relationship that my parents have. Not really happy together but not making an effort to cut it off for good. Oh well - 2007 should kick off with some major changes to our family structure. Ah - dysfunctional families...wish we could be "normal".